01.31.10
Called to Live It
I stare at the lights in the ceiling of the dimly lit room. My mind is playing out a million different scenarios...I try to quell the worry that keeps showing it's ugly head. What is my favorite verse again? Think, Judy..."I will lift up my eyes to the hills..." Yes, that's it. "He who keeps you will not slumber." Ok, Lord. I know you are here with me"Ok, Judy, I'll be following the blood vessels in your entire leg. Let me know if it hurts at any time." The radiologist's voice snaps my mind back to what's going on in the room. Seems like just yesterday I was in this emergency room...well, maybe not yesterday, but a week ago exactly.
That Saturday morning began as so many others...hurry up and get Caleb to his bus so he can go to a basketball tournament. As I walked out the front door, something fell from my purse, and I stepped on it with my right foot. My ankle rolled, and as I went down, I tried to catch myself on the left foot. Well, not to be outdone, it also rolled, and then I rolled...down a few cement steps. I knew instantly that I had done some serious damage. Sure enough, a broken right ankle and a severely sprained left ankle, according to the doctor in the emergency room. I was put in an air cast for the sprain and a "boot" for the break, and sent on my merry way with my trusty pair of crutches.The ensuing week was difficult and wonderful and painful and faith-building...you know, how most of God's teaching moments are. It was painful in that IT HURT! Which ankle to sacrifice as I tried to walk from one room to the next? It was difficult in that the simple logistics of being a cripple in a house full of stairs requires much thought and determination. The faith-building part? Perhaps that came when I lamented over and over, "I don't have time for this right now, Lord. I am a parent, alone while my husband is overseas, trying to make it all work. It's hard enough to do while I'm healthy...I can't do this!" Then comes the wonderful part: friends who have come out in droves to minister to my family and me. Rides to and from school, to and from appointments and school activities...food arriving almost daily...friends who clean my toilets, do my dishes and vacuum my floors. A massage therapist coming every few days to tape and massage my swollen sprained ankle. Amazing. How is it that I am so blessed by these people whom God has placed in my life?
But...I still whine and cry throughout the week. I am going crazy...I hate just "sitting" with my feet up. It's so frustrating to try to do anything...even the simplest tasks suddenly become monumental. And the worst part? The doctor tells me I could be laid up for anywhere from six to twelve weeks!
What? There is no way I can ask people to drive my kids around for that long.
I immediately recognize the pride issue in my life. I love to help others...I love to "give"...I HATE to receive. Don't ask me why. I think because of my pride, my independent nature, I want to handle things on my own. Definetely not the trait of a Christian who has learned total reliance on Christ. I know this, and I am recognizing this overwhelmingly this week.
Then, exactly one week later, I find myself back in the E.R. Only this time, I'm worried. I may have blood clots forming in my right leg. Now, as I listen to the ultrasound machine record the "whoosh...whoosh" of the pulse in my leg, I'm trying to draw on the strength that comes only from the Lord. What will I do if I am admitted? My poor kids have been called to step up to the plate so many times this past year, can I really expect them to do it once again? How much more can I ask of my friends? How will I ever pay them back?
"He will not allow your foot to be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel (His people) will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper...".
I am taken back into the ER room where my friend Michelle is waiting. She tries to make me laugh...and succeeds with her rendition of "pants on the ground"...of course, she is referring to my present state of nakedness at the time! Then, the doctor come in and gives me the news: no blood clots! Yay! He thinks I am just experiencing a skin reaction to the boot I've been wearing around. Whew! Ok...now I think, I will handle the "simple" problem of the break and the sprain. It could have been worse, and I know that.
Later that night, I hobble into bed and pull my Bible to me. I look up my favorite chapter: Psalm 121. I notice that in the space next to it, I had written a note twelve years ago, when I was experiencing a real crisis of faith.
During that time, my son Caleb, who was then a very sick four-year-old, was enduring a very harrowing ordeal...an undiagnosed problem that was making him sicker and sicker. For months we had been dealing with his health issue, and we had no idea if he would make it through. In the margin next to the verse, I had written this: Sept. 27, 1999...Thank you, Lord! Help me to trust You and not give in to fear and distress. You are in control! You are the Mighty Healer...You are the One who keeps each breath coming forth from my son. I lay him at Your alter, Lord. I ask for Your grace and mercy towards him...and me! Thank you, Lord!
So...have I grown in the years since I wrote that? I would like to think so, and yet, I wonder if I will ever learn TOTAL and complete reliance on Him? Perhaps that's what this little life lesson is all about. I don't know. I do know that I have a long road ahead of me...I am anxiously awaiting my husband's return from Kuwait...I am anxiously awaiting my return to good health...but I'm to be anxious for nothing...I KNOW that. I just wish I could Learn It and Live It!
11.12.09
Called to Fight the Fight
Well, we are down to about 23 days until Randy comes home on leave. I am trying not to become too excited yet. It's still a long ways away, but I must admit that I am even doing the "how many more Mondays until he's home?" routine.
This past week, with the Ft. Hood tragedy, my heart has been aching more than usual. I feel such sorrow for the families of the victims who were murdered in that terrorist act. Such a senseless crime, as I guess all horrific murders are. Randy said that he had the opportunity to tour a mosque in Kuwait City this week, and the Emon there extended his condolences to our country. He said that he hoped Americans are not judging all of Islam by the "few" who carry out these terroristic acts. I don't know...there is evil in this world, no doubt, and it seems to be becoming more and more prevalent. I guess all of history can say that, though. I just know that it is time...time to stand for what is good, and right and moral and just in this country. It is time to quit being so politically correct that we give opportunity to a man with known delusions, to walk into an army base and blow away soldiers, because no one wanted to appear "racist" and question him or his ideas. It's time to stand for the principles God gave us, it's time to tell the politicians that we aren't going to stand for this garbage any longer. I'm tired of Christians being afraid to give voice to their beliefs. I'm tired of believers who don't want to offend someone. I'm tired of men and women going off to fight for freedoms for people back home who don't give a rip about their sacrifices and the ideals they are fighting for.
Ok...so now I've blown off the steam. I need to lose the anger, but I pray I never lose the fire. Dear God, give Your children strength to fight the good fight.
10.21.09
Called to "Be"
Well, here we are...45 days until Randy gets home on leave. I just talked to him on Skype and he looks well. Tired, but well. Thinking back over the past six months, it seems as though so much has happened. There have been so many changes in us all. Especially the kids. They have grown so much. And just as I feared, I think perhaps they have put away the childish things and they are going to be too "old" to run and tustle with their dad. Maybe not. I hope not.
I was thinking the other night that I can't really remember what it's like to have Randy around in the evenings. I mean, I kind of do, but I kept asking myself, "If Randy were here, what would we be talking about? Where would he be sitting? Would he want to watch this show on tv or would he want to change the channel?" Then, I felt bad because I couldn't even conjur up how it would feel to have him here. How quickly we forget, I guess.
I'm feeling a little sad, a little disconnected right now. I get up every morning and I don't really know what my purpose for the day is. I guess it's to be the best I can be...do the best I can...serve the Lord in whatever capacity I'm able to, and survive. Not a very ambitious goal, is it? Maybe I'm just in a funk. It's all part of the process I guess.
Randy has had two different soldiers today who are going home on emergency leave because their wives tried to kill themselves. I can't even imagine that. I mean, I can be blue and I can be down, but where does that come from? The desire to end it all? That's one thing we both can rest in...knowing that our marriage is strong and that our faith is strong. I think I understand that there are peaks and valleys on this journey, and it's ok to be in the valley once in a while. I know the peaks are coming.
So today, I think I will just sit...and contemplate...and just be. That's it...I'm just going to...be.
10.07.09
Called to Stay Steady
It's been awhile since I've written. Life has a way of happening...the good news is, we are almost to the half-way point of the deployment. Oct 15 marks six months since my husband left. What a journey this has been so far.
Randy is doing well, but he's getting homesick. Some of the guys have already been home on leave, and as he helps them get ready to head to the States, he says he feels a few tinges of "wish it were me". But his time is coming...soon he will be home with us for 15 days! I try not to think about it too much...I'm trying to bide my time and be patient.
There have been some injuries and deaths in Kuwait and Iraq. I can't imagine what a typical day is like for Randy, but I know he can't help but be changed by it. As excited as I am at the prospect of having him home again, I have some trepidation as I wonder how our lives will be different. And different can be ok...I know God will give us the guidance we need to get through whatever He has in store for us.
Randy says that the half-way point is a hard time over there. They have things planned to lift morale. I can understand that...my spirits have been lagging, as well. It seems like this is the point where you say, "Man...this is real. We have been trudging on for what seems like an eternity, and there is a long way to go." The novelty has worn off...the hype and the "feel-good" accolades are rare...the day-to-day drudgery of not being complete...not being whole...is threatening to put chinks in my armor. I must hold firm and steady. I must trust as I have never trusted before. And through Christ, I know I can and will be victorious! I can do this. Minute by minute. He will see me through.
08.28.09
Called to Hear Footsteps at the Door
A few days ago, I mentioned a dream I had to a friend of mine, whose husband is also deployed. In my dream, Randy came home, and I was so excited as I ran to meet him. Then, I woke up, and I felt so sad and empty. A while later, she sent me this poem...said it was one of her favorites.
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Footsteps at the Door
Another sleepless night for me
Alone upon our bed I see again his every move And those last words he said. So proud he looked in uniform Convinced that he was right He had to go, for duty called There was a war to fight. Those last few days before he left I hid the pain inside We talked and loved and even joked He never knew I cried. And when the dreaded moment came He kissed me tenderly His eyes met mine, and then he said, "I'll be all right, you'll see." I tried to smile and nod my head Afraid to let him see The terror that I feared if he Did not come back to me. His precious children hugged his neck He told them to be good And help their mommy out at home And mind her like they should They were too young to realize That Dad would not be there To tuck them in their beds at night Or listen to their prayers. I see him as he walked away I tried to say "good-bye" But words were trapped within my throat All I could do was cry. The weeks have stretched now into months And every night I pray That God will keep him in His care And bring him home one day. I do not moan beneath the load Of all that I must do My children will see strength in me Until this war is through. At last I drift off into sleep In dreams I see him more I turn around and smile to hear His footsteps at the door. Restless I sleep, and then I wake Not opening my eyes I move my hand to reach for him But no one near me lies. I will not give in to despair With each new day I'll cope For I know he would want me to Be brave and live with hope. I hear the voices loud and strong Who criticize the war While yelling men are fools to go They stay on freedom's shore. A man who cowers under fear Will die a thousand deaths While men like mine for freedom fight And offer their last breaths. I hope perhaps in fifty years When men remember war They won't forget the wives who dreamed Of footsteps at the door. By:Gwen C. Rollings |
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08.23.09
Called to Hang Tough
A third of the way through. That's what we are. Four months down, eight more to go. This deployment has certainly been some kind of ride so far. Some days I think, "This isn't so bad. Life is normal. We can handle this easily." Then, the very next day, I can be wallowing in self-pity, wondering how I'll even make it til noon, let alone next April.
The fact is, I will make it. We will make it. There is absolutely no other choice. One day will follow the next, one problem will be resolved and then another will present itself, one or two triumphs will encourage us, and we will persevere.
I don't ever want to face another deployment again, and yet I wouldn't trade what I've learned for anything. Strange, huh? I've learned that I am strong. I've learned that my children are strong. I've learned that my husband is strong. I've also learned that we are weak, and that we are nothing without the Strength that comes from on high.
So now, this far in, is when it gets tough. We have enough time under our belt to know what separation is really about. We have enough time left before it's over to keep us from getting excited about the homecoming. I get afraid that I am wishing my life away every time I mark another day off of the calendar, and yet I want it to go more quickly. I am a picture of contrasts. Sigh.
Perhaps I will regain my abilities to stay focused the next time I journal here. For now, though, I am happy to skip from place to place. It helps me to hang in there...to hang tough!
07.31.09
Called to Come Together
Well, it's done. My bone marrow now flows through the body of another person. It's really astonishing to think that this woman, whoever she is, now shares my blood type and my DNA!
Now that I am on the outside looking in, I will say that this was an incredible experience. I'm still not feeling 100%, but I am regaining every day. Was all the discomfort worth it? You bet. Would I do it again? Yes...but I'd like to wait a while!
My sisters Cathy, Jennifer and Colleen met me at the airport and walked beside me throughout the entire process. They comforted me the night before when the pain in my head was so severe, I didn't think I could make it through. They teased and laughed, distracting me from the discomfort...they asked questions in the hospital and advocated for me. It was so nice to be able to lay back and not be the one in charge. It was so nice to be the "little sister" again. I didn't have to be strong, because my sisters were there. They would look after me. And they did it superbly!
So many people came together to make this possible. My many friends who pitched in to watch kids, bring meals, provide rides to and from the airport...and pray...this truly was a team effort.
So now, I wonder how my counterpart is doing. Is she responding well? Did she read the letter I sent with the bone marrow? Is she trusting in God for her deliverance?
I'm glad it's over for me. I know she is still in the middle of a very long process, and I continue to pray for her. But I am looking forward to focusing on my children again...staying strong and healthy so I can nurture and care for them. I have a few more hurdles to cross to get back to my good health, but I'll make it. Then, I will be ready for the next adventure God brings my way. I just hope my family and friends don't get tired of walking these journeys with me. I could not take another step without them right beside me! I'm so glad God has called them to come together and support me...thank you for these blessings, my Lord!
07.25.09
Lord, I need you this night!
It's 1:00 a.m. and I can't sleep. The injections I am taking to increase my bone marrow must be working; I hurt in places I didn't know I had! The pain is bad, the sick stomach is uncomfortable, and the thought of baring my arm tomorrow and letting the nurse put more of this stuff into my system is almost more than I can bear. And yet, I must do it. In three days, this will be over. I just really need to feel God's presence right now. I really wish Randy were here to hold me and pray with me, and tell me that I can get through this.
I don't know how I will be able to climb aboard that plane in two days and sit still for the hour and a half flight. I don't know how I will be able to walk through the airport, or sleep in a hotel room...I don't even know how I will make it through this night. Guess that is why God exhorts us not to worry about tomorrow...today has enough on it's plate!
Dear God, I need you to help me through this night. Please give me courage to face this. Help me be strong...please send me sweet rest. Please.....
