07.01.09
Called to Focus
It's been an amazing month of ups and downs. The kids and I (along with three dogs!) traveled to Colorado to see my family, and to meet up with Randy during his few days leave. Anticipating seeing him again was almost a bittersweet experience...I couldn't wait to see him, yet even before he arrived in Colorado Springs, I was dreading his departure. I knew the three days would fly by, and they did. But the time we did have together was wonderful. I think this "goodbye" was harder than the others. The kids seemed to take it harder. Perhaps because now, there is not a hard date to look forward to...not one in the near future, anyway. At any rate, it was worth it to spend some time together again!
It seems as though God is filling my time in such a way to keep me focused on other things, so I can't dwell too often on what I DON'T have, but rather on what I do. It seems that I am a match for someone who needs my bone marrow! After a few months of blood work, etc., we are getting down to brass tacks here. I will have some more medical testing done today, and if everything pans out, next month I will donate. I'm a little nervous about it...it won't be a pleasant experience by any stretch of the imagination, and yet what is a little discomfort if someone else can benefit so much from it? I only know the age and gender of the recipient, but I try to imagine what her life is like...and I pray for her daily. I wonder if she knows the Lord, and I wonder why God has worked this out at this particular time in MY life...?
There are so many things going on in my life right now. I'm almost feeling overwhelmed by everything...sometimes, I just want to hole up in my house, and not think about deployments and riding lessons and weight training...anniversaries spent apart from my husband and blood work...giving parties and going to concerts. Don't misunderstand, I'm grateful to have other things to concentrate on...it helps the time to go more quickly, but I think I am emotionally tired. I just want to "be"...I want to wake up some morning without a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. Why it's there, I don't know. I want to sit down and put my feet up once and not have my mind dart automatically to things I can't control anyway. I want a lot, don't I? I'm sure the woman who needs my bone marrow wants a lot of things, too. She probably wants to be able to sit home and not keep going to the doctor or the hospital...she surely wants to be able to plan her life further ahead than a month or so...does she want to wake up just one morning and not feel drained, or sick or even worse...defeated? Ok, so when I look at my life from this perspective, I don't really like what I see. Pretty selfish to want the BEST things in life, when some people would be grateful just to have LIFE!
God has truly surrounded me with so many blessings. My family, who support me and love me, my friends who take care of me and give me laughter...my Savior who loves me with a passionate, undying, unconditional love. May I focus on these things...may I truly be grateful for what I have in my life...
And yet...what I wouldn't give to wake up tomorrow morning, and hear Randy in the next room, watching Fox News...to smell his coffee brewing...to peek into the living room and see him sitting there, reading his Bible. He would look up and say, as he has almost every morning for the past 16 years, "Good morning, my love. What can I get you?"
Perspective, Judy...perspective. I must remember that I am truly, truly blessed!
